Devoted Vegetarian

…I think as a matter of principle
one should always try to avoid eating one’s friends…
The day that I became a veterinarian
I had a sudden, overwhelming wish
To be a pure and simple vegetarian,
And give up eating all that meat and fish.
So now I live on healthy food instead,
Like apple cores and parsnip juice and chunks of plain brown bread.
When I see my fellow man consuming sirloin steak
And I find myself enjoying tea and dumpling cake
There is really only one conclusion I can make
I’m a devoted, vegetarian.
When my host at dinner offers succulent roast beef
Proudly I refuse it
People stare in disbelief
Lost in admiration as I nibble on a leaf
A very noted, vegetarian
(I wouldn’t even eat horseradish lest I upset the horses)
I stay away from devilled ham on principle
I wouldn’t eat roast duckling if I could
Willpower has made me invincible!
(My word, those sausages look good)
[Where’s my dinner gone?]
[They’ve done it again]
[C’mon… own up]
[Who’s got it this time] [Who’s got my dinner?]
It’s bad enough to have to eat this muck in the first place
Just cause I eat this instead of them
They take advantage of me
You have no idea what I put up with on their account
I eat every flowering shrub there is except for gorse
Sometimes I get luxuries like beet-root leaves of course
My life’s just the same as that of any English horse
Why should I be a vegetarian?
Turning pie and peanuts that is all the filth I eat
Any sort of rubbish that is wholesome and discrete
Why don’t I admit that my hypocrisy’s complete
If I should live to be a centenarian
Become our most adored humanitarian
I’ll never make a decent vegetarian
I’m a cheat
I love meat
I’m a cheat
Yes I am
I love red bloody juicy chunks of meat
Legs of lamb
Sides of beef
And chops and steaks and veal and pork
Comport my favourite meal
And then I hear poor “Gub-Gub” squeal
Oh me
Oh my
A reluctant but sincere, vegetarian
Am I

From the movie Dr. Dolittle (starring Rex Harrison) – Twentieth Century Fox Productions
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